05.04.2010

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:  for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;  and for everything
which is natural  which is infinite  which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
ee cummings

***

I close my eyes, I take a deep breath and hold the life-giving air in my lungs.  The sweet air, fragrant with the scent of plumeria and mango.  Breath.  Life.  Beauty.  This most amazing day. 

I am in awe of what I am celebrating.  24 years?  How can I be this old, yet how can I not?  When I allow my mind to wander over and through the adventures and experiences I have tasted, touched, felt, heard, stumbled upon, climbed up, fallen down, drank in, photographed, painted…breathed…I am in awe and in love with every moment.  Every ‘no words can describe’ moment.  Every ‘how did I even get here?’ moment. Every ‘oh Lord when will this end?’ moment.  Every, ‘praise God for grace’ moment.  Every ‘close my eyes, trust, and jump’ moment. (those are my favorites)

I am in awe of and in love with this journey.  With every twist and every turn that has left me feeling dizzy and lost.  With every face and every name that has written on my heart, held my hand, pushed me along.  With every sweet miracle and every trying pause. 

I have no idea what lies ahead.  One month from today I will land on American soil.  The land of the free.  Home of the brave. One month from today I will be 24, broke and jobless on American soil with no future plans in sight. 

But is the soil I will return to ground my feet will run and leap and dance freely on?  Is the soil I will return to ground I will bravely and confidently walk toward my future on? 

As much as I yearn for the sweet fellowship with my family and friends (and I do, I really do), I truly wonder if America can hold my future in her hands?  Wonder if I can walk confidently and boldly in the freedom I have found from the binding, suffocating distractions of our culture.  Wonder if I can love each person who walks into my life and love myself as I have learned to love outside her borders.

Yet all I have to do is look back through the pages and pages I fill with words that could never do justice to the experiences they describe and know, with everything within me, that just as He has provided and protected and led me these last 24 years – the next 24 will be no different. 

I do thank God for most this amazing day. 
For every imaginable, tangible, memorable, infinite gift – and every unimaginable, intangible, unforgettable, illimitably wonderful life and love and wings. 

How can I even begin to imagine what comes next in this journey?  The empty pages in this journal are just an invitation for God to keep writing.